AS I WAS SAYING IN REGARD TO BELOW.....

Well, I was talking about staying centered and focused which I am not.... I Just discovered That my uncle Ernest is getting worse in his fight with the cancer. He has lung cancer. He already was rough off from smoking..... he had bad lung capacity only around 40% and he was taking breathing treatments once he finally had to give up cigarettes.... he had damaged his lungs that much. It's Sad he is the only uncle I have left. Really thats it. I have no more uncles. I may have some second ones or something. Or more distantly related, But I don't know them well enough to remember them, so, it is really irrelevant. I am distant from all of my family that I have been around and I have only really my parents who are all 75 or more.

I need to see more of my own motivations... I need to see myself more clearly; to know if my intentions are clear of subconscious unseen (to me) patterns that would show any psychopathology of understanding my motivations: It seems that my motivations are to real time oriented. I don't think about future gratification. But then again I don't think. I don't think far enough into the future to call it that. just a few days. My parents basically are still my world makers. They have provided me with a world to live in: And no matter how far or how emotionally distant I have been or tried to be, I have unable to be to far away. And basically I still have lived to please me and cut a balance of how far I can go how much guilt I can feel and still keep away from their influence. Yet they have pulled me up from stuff that they should not have, if they wanted me to develope any sense of self responsibility and how I might deal with it. But maybe they felt they could never take that chance. And now they don't want me to go anywhere or go anymore. No matter what they have said. because I find myself brushing away the way I see that they manipulate me,..... to see the evidence only later when I'm really not looking for it. And then after a year or longer I can see different things and how events unfolded and how if they had had interest in my success in many areas when I tried to pull away Things would have been different or could have been. But I can never know how things would have turned out. Yet promises made to lure me home have turned out to be lies that I questioned even when I was told about them. Then as soon as it looked like I might be making big money for a while they suggested I sign a mortgage to pay on a house making me a deal on a house but a more expensive one so that I would be kind of locked in and it would be hard to ever move out of the terms. But then as things moved in a different direction..... oh shit its enough If I wanted out I could get out. But I am tired of believing it's me or lazziness I am working on something I love finally. But I am not having a conventional job. It's writing and I have hundreds of pages done. (much better work than this for sure)

crap! I am off the subject again. Maybe I am ADHD! (that's another story)